Pt 1. My first V-day

You know in high school when you see people sending roses to each other or secret messages saying they like that person or this person? Or when you see boyfriends giving promise rings to the person they have been with for a long time? Or when people tell romantic stories about their first ever Valentine? Well Eric is the first boyfriend I have ever had so far in my life to actually celebrate V-day with. I had always hated valentines day because since middle school/high school people would get mushy and I'd see a lot of couples surprising eachother with gifts and messages of love. I hated it because I never had anyone to experiance that with so when V-day came around for me and Eric, the story wasn't so romantic but it wasn't a bad valentine Either. We had actually gotten into a big fight the night before and I had learned some things about relationships that night. One of which is that people don't break up over fights or mistakes. I had made a big mistake the night of the fight and I had felt really bad about it. I kept on worrying that the next day he would dump me and I would be crushed. However it was a strange feeling because I also felt as if I couldn't see myself without him. He has been a really big part of my life in the last 9 months, and we are close. He has helped me through so much even right from the beginning of meeting him. I love him for it. I love him so much I cry every so often because I miss him so much. Eric has my heart, and he has my love. When the next day finally did arrive I had waited for him to get up and normally it was after classes. Then I had opened my gift he had sent me that I had gotten. He bought me a teddy bear and a box of chocolates and gave me a sweet romantic card (There are pictures of the gifts on my myspace). I was so happy but yet sad as well because I felt like I didn't deserve it at first. That was before I read the card. If you look at the pictures of what he wrote to me, it just shows how much he really loves me. I then realized he would do almost anything for me and that he misses me just as much as I do and maybe even more. He tells me I am wonderful and beautiful and that I make him happy. That message made me realize that hes not going to get rid of me that easily just because of a fight. I felt better. Now my new bear is a symbol of Eric. When I cuddle with it, it will be like cuddling with him. When I read the card over again when I feel lonely and give my bear a squeeze, it will be like I am hugging him and that somehow it is getting to him. It would be as if my feelings and everything I am thinking of when squeezing the bear will somehow get passed along to him as in a message. I also realized some things about myself I don't particularly like but its something I'm going to have to work on and make sure some of those things stay under control to where I am not being abusive to him. My mom was really controlling when I was younger and even now she still trys to control me and I guess I have inherited some of that power and control personality even though I am not trying to be. Like I said it is something that I am going to have to work on. However I don't think it will ever become a cycle of abuse because when I make a mistake because of that power and control crap I usually feel like shit about it, and punish myself for it. In a way assuming that eric wont love me anymore and will dump me because of my personality flaw or because of a mistake I make is punishment of self. I seem to hurt myself more than anything. Eric loves me for me and doesn't want me to change, even with my personality flaws and issues. That is how much he loves me. back to V-day. Regardless of the fight I felt it was a good first time V-day because of my new bed buddy. Yes I still sleep with teddy bears. However childish that may seem, its part of who I am. I think every adult has some sort of security item they pick up or something they can hold onto in great times of stress or emotional anguish. I love Eric soo much it hurts. He is my lover, my best friend, my everything. I miss him like crazy and I know I am in love with him. I hope nothing ever happens between us to where we are dumping eachother, but if something does happen, I just hope he will know that I will always love him no matter what happens. He is the light in the darkness. He is mine and hopefully will always be mine. Happy valentines day! I love you Eric and I miss you!!! My heart cries for you, and beats for you. My love will never fade away. You are my angel and my sexy boo. I love you sooo much. No words can describe how I feel nor can words satisfy the need to tell you how much i do love you no matter what happens.

Part 2 Change and Life
Well Life certainly has changed a lot in the last 4 years since being in college. So many things have happened so fast that it just has felt like one big huge roller coaster ride. At theme parks I love riding roller coasters but the roller coaster of life has really been hell at some moments, and other moments it has been like it is with real roller coasters, fun, and exciting. However, one thing that I have been very angry about and very bitter about is my ex-boyfriend. He has never really treated me that good and he was an asshole a majority of the time. However, angry I am at him, I still read his blogs every once in awhile just to see how he is doing or what he is up to. Yes I miss his friendship sometimes because sometimes it did have its good times with a lot of the bad times, but also to remind myself of why I am better off with out him. I am still very very angry, and I know I have become a very angry person in general, and I am just really sick of this anger. If anybody doesn't know, my ex sexually assaulted me once. After wards I had continued to be friends with him until almost about a year ago, however until we broke contact, I had to put on this mask and it made me seem as if i was two different people. The real me came out when he wasn't around, then the fake me came up when and while he was around. Because of that I was left to spiral into darkness. I had started drinking heavily on the weekends, and smoking weed. I also fucked around a lot to try and gain a sense of power over myself which most of the time it left me feeling used, more broken, and the whole inside me growing wider. Then during that darkness I was raped while drunk off my ass and high as hell off of weed. However unfortunate it was, It woke me up and I knew before I needed to get back into the light that I need to face the original source of what was making my life seem like hell. Then eventually me and my ex stopped talking to eachother and as much as I kinda miss him, I am officially glad it happened because after that, the masks came off, and I was allowed to finally talk about what happened to me, and to start the healing process of both incidents. However, I know I am not fully healed because of all this anger. The one thing I do need to do before all the anger is to forgive him, and to forgive the others in my past who have hurt me such as the first boy who has ever teased me in grade school, or the way my mom was controlling me, or other various things that have made me so angry. I should start from the beginning but I think I need to start from the end and work my way to the beginning of all this anger. If I can forgive my ex I know I will be able to forgive others. It is time to forgive him, however my anger bitter side is protesting that mostly because what he did was wrong and I want him to say he is sorry and basically bow down and gravel for my forgiveness and then be punished for what he did. God says to forgive those who have hurt you and maybe through god I can achieve my goal of forgiving those that have hurt me. It will be hard but it is needed for the rest of the healing process. I often wonder if he ever reads my blogs. Knowing him he probably doesn't but if he does I hope he knows the damage he has inflicted upon me, and I hope he feels bad for it even if he doesn't remember all the details of that night. If he reads this particular blog I hope he is doing well too and that his search for marriage and family will come to an end because I know he will have to change for that, and if he changes I hope and pray it is for the better. Sometimes I have this urge to contact him and tell him all the beautiful and wonderful things going on in my life with Eric and with school. Mostly just to give him the message that I have not given up and that I am not as weak as he once saw me as. I have never been weak and the decision that made him think I was, was when I had made a decision that marked a new stronger me, the decision to do something I felt I needed to do in my recovery, the decision of knowing my boundaries and what I needed to do for myself to take care of myself. If he calls that kind of decision weakness then he has no idea what strength and independence really means. I have no idea why I am rambling on about this. Probably because I read his blogs recently and he has been on my mind here and there since. I guess I wanted to pass him a message if he ever reads these blogs I have and also write about my thoughts on forgiveness and on the need to forgive him to fully move one. Anyway I am headed out here. I love you Eric!!